Jump to content

Helen Dent

Members
  • Content Count

    64
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Community Reputation

61 Excellent

2 Followers

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

  1. @Jennifer Searls, thanks for those comments! And yes, having the reader come along on the bike trip is definitely my goal. Thanks for the feedback on how to get there!
  2. @Ray Gregory, you put us right into the story, and though we don't know the particulars at first, they quickly come into focus (as Samuel's eyesight does as well). I particularly like how you've set us off-balance a bit at the beginning of a familiar story so that we can see it afresh. Also, your dialogue conveys each character so well.
  3. @Aimee Guest, I echo what others have said about the power and vivid imagery of this piece. And I think part of that (and something that really stood out to me) is your verb use. In the section I quoted above, you've used "shoots up," "seizes," "sags," "propped up." Very effective.
  4. Thanks for your feedback, @Bill Delvaux and @Aimee Guest! That gives helpful direction about what needs to be clarified when I expand on this piece.
  5. Thanks, @Ray Gregory! That's a great point about the water scene at the beginning. I will think more about ways to clarify . . .
  6. Thanks for your feedback. @Joy! Do you think it would be a stronger piece if there were more emotional tension at the beginning (like setting up Prunie's loneliness or something)?
  7. The opening here really pulled me in - you describe the details in a really tangible way - and then I love how her eavesdropping on her brother changes her perspective on him (even as she gets all the revenge material she could want!).
  8. I love these lines. They contrast so well with the details of your home across the world, highlighting the struggle of the transition, and the questions you were asking are really relatable.
  9. You do a good job of showing different types of distractions in this piece - and also (without stating it) showing how fleeting most of them were. And I liked how the setting was the airport - "reality" setting in with that boarding call.
  10. Water shot out of the floor like we'd just struck oil, only this wasn't anywhere near liquid gold. "Turn it off, Prunie, turn it off," Arnold yelled, but I couldn't. I just sat there with the pickaxe, mesmerized by the gush, its stain fanning out on the green shag carpet of the den. His footsteps pounded away. The spurt slowed, sank into itself. Seconds later, Arnold burst through the door, panting. "You were supposed to turn the water off." "I did." He pointed to the still spreading water line. "You didn't." "None of the faucets are running." Behind r
×
×
  • Create New...